YOU HAVE APPROACHED A LONELY CRAB.

dear c,

this morning i noticed the garbage trucks come by around 8am, or maybe even 9am, i don't even remember anymore. all i remember is feeling glad that they didn't wake me up at 6:30am like usual.

my legs are pretty covered in bug bites. i noticed them yesterday but was hoping that my mind was playing tricks on me--turns out there's mosquitos here. wonderful.

i needed to do my laundry today since i ran out of underwear and it was my first time going to the laundry room. i was quite anxious, but it turned out to be relatively ok. when i first got there, i left my fob behind, and i needed it to access the actual room, so i had to go all the way back to get it even though as i initially left i thought it might be a good idea to grab it, but i was too lazy to. i should learn to trust my intuition and be more prepared for things.

doing laundry meant walking the fifth floor a bunch. i observed the various smells and temperatures and people's decor--someone already had halloween decorations up, and i remember seeing a very dirty welcome mat, and the door across the laundry room had a ton of papers posted on it so perhaps someone is going to get evicted soon.

the washer finished very quickly and was bigger than i anticipated--it can fit two backpacks of my stuff i think. it was also a good idea to do it on a weekday in the middle of the day because almost all the machines were empty. i ran into someone starting their laundry on my way out after getting my clothes from the dryer.

for lunch i had the rice and beans that I got from costco. they tasted restaurant quality, and i wondered if most mexican restaurants just outsourced this stuff and reheated it, because it tasted pretty familiar. however, the beans were really salty. or maybe the costco stuff is actually pretty authentic.

at some point during the day i became obsessed with finding a beaver in the river and watched a David Attenborough beaver video. they're like wombats of the river! i also dreamt about japanese curry, which i plan to buy the ingredients for and make on saturday since I bought curry cubes at daiso on sunday.

unfortunately my therapy appointment, which i sort of really needed and wanted, got canceled. my therapist was at some training today and neglected to tell me until two hours before our appointment. oh well. i rescheduled it for next week.

i wrote a letter to H and a postcard to Aaron today. i need to find scotch tape and also remember what street i need to walk to post them, because there's a road i know i can go down and i'll happen upon a post box on the sidewalk, i just don't remember which way it is.

i read a lot of the book. it feels good to read an easy to read book, though i really need to internalize the material which feels a bit scary, but i realized in the shower that i think we can do it together, especially since our anxiety manifests in similar ways. i look forward to doing this with you. i know i texted you today, but even the thoughts i had from that i could more intentionally address based on what i've read so far, but i know i still have more work to do.

i wanted pizza so i walked a couple minutes to a local restaurant/bar to get some. the pizza cut up the roof of my mouth and i got a shirley instead of a beer for the happy hour special. it wasn't very good. i wished i had asked for milk instead.

on my walk back --

there's a lil tracy concert tomorrow at queen of hearts. i sort of want to go but i know i definitely won't/shouldn't. i do need to go to a punk show sometime though, hopefully soon.

i noticed a man praying on the street next to his car that was parallel parked to the sidewalk. at first, i was confused as to what was going on and hoped he was okay; then, i saw the rug and realized what he was doing. i almost wanted to say something, like salam, but figured that would be inappropriate and i shouldn't interrupt him, and it also would have made me look a bit bad, since he might have assumed i was muslim and maybe would have judged me for not dropping everything to pray like he was. though, i would hope someone as pious as he wouldn't judge like that either. i admired his devotion and submission to god.

i practiced being with my feelings and thoughts as they came up. i noticed my intial reaction was to push them away and pretend they don't exist. i instead tried to be with them, but this felt sort of foreign and i also didn't feel like i was doing it right. it takes practice, i guess. i also tried to consciously think about the underlying fears that the thoughts might have stemmed from.

the biggest news from today is that i will be getting a new work laptop! no more godforsaken ipad.

i'm ready to sleep but really need to work on that damn application.

- p

dear c,

after we hung up i immediately felt a bit relieved, i think because i felt like i had some time and space to think about things some more, but i think i've also been feeling like i have more space in my brain and day back so i can go about the things i need to do, because all of our agonizing talking has led me to avoid most of my responsibilities.

i listened to a lot of music today and tried to clean a bit, but i kept checking my phone in anticipation of a text or call from you that i knew wouldn't actually come.

i went a bit stir-crazy, not really feeling like doing anything i should be doing. for whatever delusional reason i thought it would be a good idea to wear your necklace so i could feel a bit closer to you this week while we take time apart.

when i found my necklace i noticed it was tangled up in the box. i freed it from the earrings. i noticed that it had somehow become knotted; i couldn't pry it apart in the bathroom, so i took it to my bedroom to try some more.

at first it felt impossible, and i thought it would remain entangled forever, but eventually something gave and with a bit of effort i figured out how to remove the knot and untangle the chain from the nameplate. what an apt metaphor! perhaps untangling our knotted relationship isn't as impossible as i thought it might be.

i spent the rest of the day reading the overthinking book, and i quickly realized that this was in fact our problem--not islam, not gender, not feeling like you cared more about the relationship than me, hell, not even communication--and i wished i had read this earlier. a lot of the things and perceived problems i have been thinking about lately really stem from the rumination that the book describes. i look forward to learning more about my overthinking and how we can solve this problem of relationship rumination together. at least i'd like to try that before i let you go.

- p