YOU HAVE APPROACHED A LONELY CRAB.

The other day I learned that bat daughters stay with their bat mothers their entire lives. I grew up in a maternal colony myself, of me, my sister, mother, grandmother, and female dog(s). Last year I migrated without her but she is still with me, and I go home so often it feels like I never really left.

How long do the babies stay with their mothers? Female babies will stay with the maternal colony for the rest of their lives, male until sexually mature which is usually in their second year, at about 18 months. Babies and mothers will migrate together.

When I masturbate I am completely in control. I can get my toes sucked and my ears kissed and be told "I love you." There are no voices in my head telling me I look ugly or I can't make him cum fast like his ex and that I'll never be the best he's ever had. I can say whatever I want and do whatever I want and be whoever I want.

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I started having sex this year and sometimes I regret it. Watching porn feels like doing research. I don't know how to do anything and I am focused on performing correctly, doing things right so that I can please him. My pleasure always feels secondary, even when he tells me it's not.

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Two nights ago we had e-sex and I quickly remembered why we stopped doing that much in the first place. It usually goes something like this: one of us, usually me, initiates interest. We get naked. I see him stroke himself and he watches me touch myself. He tells me to spread my legs further apart but I tell him that's not how I come. I feel awkward and perceived. He's pretty quiet: he doesn't say much about how I look, even though I've told him I like words of affirmation and verbal compliments. It's not enough of a compliment to jack off to me--I want you to tell me that I'm beautiful, the way you did the first night we kissed. I want him to tell me he loves me and misses me and wishes I was there next to him. He doesn't do any of these things because he can never live up to my fantasies, so I get upset. I also get upset because when I touch myself it feels good, but there's something stopping me from being able to climax. Some sort of mental block, but it doesn't even really feel like one. I just know I won't be able to come. I grow quiet, I stop touching myself, he asks me what's wrong, I say I'm fine, I just don't want to do it anymore. Neither of us orgasm, we try to talk about it, but I'm already crying, feeling a million things at once that are hard to feel and understand and articulate in the moment but I attempt to. Eventually we reach a stopping point in the conversation and he finally tells me he loves me, goodnight. I put my phone down and stare at the ceiling, only to cry some more and continue to feel broken. Why can't I be normal? Why is my body broken? Why won't it listen to me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why don't I have this figured out by now?