this is how it all ends, i guess

I guess I finally got closure today. We talked for an hour and a half, but it was mostly him. It wasn't even really what he was saying, but rather I learned more about how he thought, and I realized I didn't like it.

The only thing he really said is that he wasn't going to get better by graduation, and that he hopes we can still be friends in the future. And that he still cares and that he's sorry.

It just sucks, because I don't want to be the source of his anxiety, and this will probably be the last time I'll ever see him in-person and it's just us. What's worse is that there's so much more I wish I could say to him, but there's really no point now.

Loss kind of sucks, especially when it's in a way you can't control, so removed and not really the fault of someone-- sure, I've been deeply hurt, but at least, not intentionally, or I guess that's how I justify it-- but how can I when I want to show him decency and empathy for all he's going through? I guess I'm going through shit too, but I don't know.

This semester has just been such a mediocre way to end lots of things, and the uncertainty of the future is really scary. I just hope I can find someway to find meaning and community in the years that I have left to live.

RIP the king of pop

People always say you remember where you were when some world event happens, like what were you doing when 9/11 happened; this has a name I once learned in my memory class, but I've since forgotten what the phenomenon is called.

I remember very distinctly where I was when I heard Michael Jackson died. The TV was playing a program about his life and we were at my dad's family friend's party. We were all sitting on the couch, and my mom was drunkenly sobbing that the "King of Pop" was gone.

(no subject)

you chew me out; i spit you up.
you spit me out, i chew you up.

you chew me up, and i spit you out.
you spit me out
you spit me out

i chew you up