TOO MANY SHOWER THOUGHTS TODAY

i hate that you saw me for who i wanted to be and not only who i was.
i hate that you wanted me to follow my dreams, that you somehow knew what LA represented to me.
i hate that you thought the USB with the cursed audio was my music, and that I chose to share it with you.

i hate that the crushing feels of obsession came back in a passionate wave tonight. i thought it was over but it somehow came rushing back, like a crashing tsunami. i became obsessed with the obsession itself/

theres a reason i havent told my mom or my sister that i'd decided to take the lsat and apply to law school next year, and there's a reason i haven't started seriously studying for it either. i understand what my screenwriting professor meant when the character has to make a choice. i've chosen the safer path my whole life. it's not that im afraid to tell them for fear they won't support me, but rather the opposite-- they would more than approve, they would again push me to do something i don't want to do.

i think i need to finally make the risky decision. i think it's finally time i bite into the apple.

happiness lies this way, and it beats pleasure hollow

I've never considered myself to be a writer up until recently, and I still hesitate to call myself one.

Though this piece is framed from the perspective of a literally young writer, I also like to interpret it as "young" to also mean "beginner" or "new." However, I do fall into both categories of being young and would consider myself a beginner writer.

This piece was particularly interesting because of the timing in which I'm reading it. I graduated college last year in Spring 2023; it's been almost a year now.

I've had more time to read and write for pleasure since graduating. Reading The Idiot and remembering what it felt like to read something that made me want to write (and write like that) was my inspiration for taking my writing more seriously and enrolling in this class. Dillard is correct-- you do have time to read after college. I've however realized that I don't have as much time as I thought, as it can still feel difficult to read for pleasure personally for a myriad of reasons, but I'm happy that I've still been able to nonetheless. The more I hope I read, the more I hope I write.

As my first year after college is coming to a close, I am certain it's not what I'll be doing for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure if I ever felt that way to be quite honest. That being said, my job has felt incredibly boring lately and I find it hard to be motivated; I think often about my post-graduation pre-employment period and wish I had capitalized more on that time (even though given my circumstances, I did the best with it that I could). But the fact that I find myself thinking about that time in a reminiscent way bothers me still.

In this vein of boredom, I think often about living in places like Belchertown or Korea or Essex or India or literally anywhere else but here. I've told my friends many times I want to spend a year in an unknown place doing nothing but writing and reading and creating, but I know that Dillard would advise against this, and she's right. Exercise is important, people are important, doing good is important, and practicality is important. I think I need to continue my job and not just quit because I want to and can. But it feels difficult to get myself out of my current situation that dictates a lot of my life for me. I guess I seek more control.

The most recent way I've concocted a plan to get out of my current situation is by planning to go to law school-- at least, that was the plan up until 20 hours ago when I had a shower epiphany. Law school is a safe choice for me: it would be eagerly approved by my family and I would make a good lawyer, or so I've been told. But just because I'm good at something shouldn't mean I should do it. I think there's other things I'm good at that I'd actually enjoy doing a lot more. I've thrown away the apple many times in my life, and I'm finally at a juncture where I could swallow it whole if I wanted to.

"Don't write about yourself." Isn't that what this class is all about? :-)