my therapist told me to write about sex

[weepingcrab]

When I masturbate I am completely in control. I can get my toes sucked and my ears kissed and be told "I love you." There are no voices in my head telling me I look ugly or I can't make him cum fast like his ex and that I'll never be the best he's ever had. I can say whatever I want and do whatever I want and be whoever I want.

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I started having sex this year and sometimes I regret it. Watching porn feels like doing research. I don't know how to do anything and I am focused on performing correctly, doing things right so that I can please him. My pleasure always feels secondary, even when he tells me it's not.

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Two nights ago we had e-sex and I quickly remembered why we stopped doing that much in the first place. It usually goes something like this: one of us, usually me, initiates interest. We get naked. I see him stroke himself and he watches me touch myself. He tells me to spread my legs further apart but I tell him that's not how I come. I feel awkward and perceived. He's pretty quiet: he doesn't say much about how I look, even though I've told him I like words of affirmation and verbal compliments. It's not enough of a compliment to jack off to me--I want you to tell me that I'm beautiful, the way you did the first night we kissed. I want him to tell me he loves me and misses me and wishes I was there next to him. He doesn't do any of these things because he can never live up to my fantasies, so I get upset. I also get upset because when I touch myself it feels good, but there's something stopping me from being able to climax. Some sort of mental block, but it doesn't even really feel like one. I just know I won't be able to come. I grow quiet, I stop touching myself, he asks me what's wrong, I say I'm fine, I just don't want to do it anymore. Neither of us orgasm, we try to talk about it, but I'm already crying, feeling a million things at once that are hard to feel and understand and articulate in the moment but I attempt to. Eventually we reach a stopping point in the conversation and he finally tells me he loves me, goodnight. I put my phone down and stare at the ceiling, only to cry some more and continue to feel broken. Why can't I be normal? Why is my body broken? Why won't it listen to me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why don't I have this figured out by now?

Comments

[michaelboy]

E-sex often lacks the intimacy and closeness that makes sex ultimately satisfying in a complete sense. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do about it. Not that e-sex isn't necessarily gratifying but often, unless it is reinforced with actual physical intimacy, it can end up feeling somewhat hollow.